Everyday in a hundred small ways, our children ask; Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter? Their behaviour often is a reflection of our responces.
A few weeks ago something happened that made me think a little differently. I was with Little Red (7) who observed a conversation between a mammy and her little daughter, who I imagine was Aoibhie’s age (4). Little Red stared (which I hated) but then commented on how bad she felt for the little girl who had a “mean mam”. This mam wasn’t yelling so to speak, but did have a screwed up face and was speaking in quite a harsh tone. The little girl seemed to be taking it well (sadly) until she saw my Little Red staring and then I suppose embarrasement kicked in and the little girl started to tear up. Little Red felt bad for the little girl (I did to) however I also felt bad for her mam. It also made me realise this could have been me. Some days are tougher then others. Some days I am not the best mam.
It has been me. I have been that “mean mam”…
I started to wonder how many people in the past had stared at us and viewed our interactions. How many people watched me with a cross screwed up face and felt sorry for Little Red or Aoibhie for having to live with such a “mean mammy”.
It has been me. I have been that “mean mam”…
Obviously I don’t know the circumstances of the situation. I didn’t know this “mean mam” maybe she was having an awful day, maybe her child had ignored her for the “last time”, maybe exhaustion or finance worries had kicked her into “mean mam”. Who knows if this was a regular occurrence for that little girl or any other details. I’m not judging her (who am I to judge) but it really did make me think. It made me reflect on my own parenting. Not just think about it and sweep it under the carpet. Properly think and mull it over.
It has been me. I have been that “mean mam”…
As the years go on I guess the “no’s” became less gentle. It’s no longer “no, you cant have that” it had now turned into “No, you should know better!”Patience started to wear thin repeating the same things over and over again. The repeating became louder and before I knew it, I had become a “mean mammy”. I had become a yeller. I had become someone that said “NO” to almost every request. Later in the evening when all was quiet I would feel guilty and cry myself to sleep over how I had ruin their day. Yet I would wake in the morning and not apologise to them as I felt, “Hey, its a new day!” I am not proud of this by any means. I just wanted to share that this was me.
It has been me. I have been that”mean mam”…
Looking back I realized I spent so much time focusing on what I did not want to be as a parent that I hadn’t put much thought into what I did want to be. Things had to change but I didnt know how to change them. I didn’t know how, but I knew that I had to change. I didn’t want my little loves to grow up being afraid of me and I certainly never intended or wanted to drive them away from me. Their Mammy who loves them completly.
I dont want to be the “mean mam”…
I have started to think before I turn into a “mean mam” I have to remember they are only small. I have to remember what it is like to be little, impressionable and wanting validation. I have to always think before I react. One friend advised counting to 10 before responding to anything. On Aoibhie this is much harder as she can think of more questions to ask in that 10 seconds (so I have learnt). I also have to realise they want to be respected as a person. Just by listening and understanding their point of view I genuinley have noticed a huge difference.
Now don’t get me wrong! I’m not there yet!
Far from “there” infact. I have so much to learn. I am sure that My Little Loves will say I have moments where I am a “mean mam”. I will and do hold my hands up at times and say I have a long way to go.
Little Reds reaction to the “mean mam” just helped me remember that even though I still have so many flaws and so much to learn, we all have our bad days. Days where anxieties, worries or sadness consume our bodies. These feelings make us feel trapped and down right useless. We must always remember that being a Mammy (or Daddy) can be tough sometimes and no matter how badly we react – we are loved! Remembering that there will be times when we are judged. There will be times we feel hurt. We are not just “mean mam’s” but selfless, strong and loving mam’s that are having moments of weakness.
I am My Little Loves imperfectly perfect Mam…
I can live with that…
Happy Weekend!
Love, Helly x