Last night was hard. These past weeks have been stressful. This time of the year my husband is pretty much a goner (everyone else gets excited about apple launches) I literally hate them!
Trying to be both a stay at home and a part time working Mammy has gotten the better of me. I have started to feel like I am not doing my best at home with my littles or at my job.
I can’t dedicate my ALL to one thing. It’s like that saying “Jack of all trades, Master or none!”
After getting up to work early these past few days (earlier then the kids) I am starting to feel defeated. I am lacking “me time” and I have become overwhelmed. I am tired. I am sleep-deprived. I wanted a clean home. I wanted to not have any jobs to do. I wanted zero Mammy responsibilities.
I began raising my voice at my kids because their rooms were not clean. Late for school. There was a pile of laundry in Aoibhie’s room that needed to be folded and put away. My downstairs is a mess as they left all the toys scattered across every corner of the house. Cadhla-Rose was complaining she couldn’t sleep because Aoibhie was kicking her … (on purpose I might add) so of course she couldn’t sleep. Aoibhie was screaming at the top of her lungs because she wanted Cadhla-Rose to pay attention to her. They were testing my limits for sure. I asked my Mr O for help because I was feeling weak and just over it. And that was my breaking point…
I just wanted to be alone.
Then while alone I imagined I had no kids.
If you asked me 10 years ago if I wanted to be a mother I would instantly tell you yes. It really is the only thing I ever wanted. A wife. A Mammy. Loved by those special people closest to me. If you asked me last night? Last night I would have screamed NO.
A girl I work with asked me, “how are all your girls doing?” and “How do you handle life with all three?” My reply was, “You do what you have to and it is mental some days but every Mammy survives.”
But ‘Am I surviving?’
She is single. She doesn’t need to hear about my struggles. My many struggles. What possible struggles could she have going on at home? None… I thought.
A part of me envied her a little.
Life without responsibility… Imagine? No responsibilities.
So last night I walked away from it all and closed my door and locked myself in the bathroom. I cried it all out. Yes I let it all out. Alone. In a bathtub filled with a mermaid bath bomb which was slightly cold as I hopped in after Aoibhie hoped out! It all got to me and I didn’t know how to handle it but to simply just cry.
So much went through my mind and I started thinking why having kids is hard.
The thought of waking up when your own body woke you up. Spontaneous date nights and weekends away with Mr O. The luxury of finishing a meal without it going cold or being handled by everyone in your home before it hits your lips. Not worrying about anyone only yourself!
Imagining what that freedom felt like…
So much went through my head. Every Mammy with children at some point must feel like this. When they are at their most fragile state. I know having children is a choice, not something that inevitably happened to me without my consent. Some days it is hard though….
I don’t have all the answers. I am not perfect. Patience was not a gift that I was given and having anxiety means I often find myself crying like I did last night. As I am still learning everyday as I go. I am imperfect in my own ways!
After being alone for some time I began to feel better. I wiped my tears, put on new pajamas and opened the door. I went to Cadhla-Rose’s room and found Aoibhie sleeping alongside her in the bed. They looked so peaceful and then I felt the guilt running through my body. How could I want a life without them. I heard a small voice that said, “I Love you Mammy”, it was Aoibhie who was still awake. I went to hug her and told her how I was sorry for yelling at her earlier. It was just me and her awake and the house was quiet and that was exactly what I wanted all along… except I now felt guilty.
That is the opposite of what I expected to feel. So I squeezed her tightly and hugged her one more time as I kissed her goodnight.
At that moment I realized I didn’t want to be without them. That being their Mammy was something I loved to be. They really do give me a daily purpose and everyday their giggles have me laughing like no other.
Three little girls who need me. Who love me and who I am grateful for and I will aim to enjoy the small moments in life that I have been taking for granted. In many ways children make you grow up. They make you want more in life and force you to experience the true meaning of love.
So today (because Sundays are great days to start resolutions)… I choose to look at all the positive and focus on all the happiness being a Mammy has brought me. It has changed my life for the better regardless of being sleep deprived and not knowing went to stop inhaling crumpets slathered in butter.
That life with my 3 girls is so much better.
Someday my girls won’t need me anymore. I want to look back at their childhood and I want to remember the good moments. I don’t want to regret anything I did or said.
Remembering that there are good moments in every day even if every day isn’t good!
We all have our highs and lows, imagining what being free is like… does not make us bad parents.
We are human after all.
Love, Helly x